• Welcome back to Pokécharms! We've recently launched a new site and upgraded forums, so there may be a few teething issues as everything settles in. Please see our Relaunch FAQs for more information.

Chamber of Sorrows

Status
Not open for further replies.
Prologue 1: The Forest of Depths

I look at my diary, covered in... something. It seems that it was thrown to a Shellos, as My eye started to twitch. Something was moving in the tree. I sprung back, Looking directly into Whatever it was' Eyes. Hollow Yellow eyes. Just staring at me.
'Show yourself...' I mumbled, 'NOW!' I bellowed, Throwing a Stick at the Figure. It Jumped to the side, as I sigh. 'Mo-lo, what are you doing here?' I standed slowly Leaning to the Left. She looked possessed, with glowing yellow eyes. The local Gym Leader Walked in my paths too, Russell. 'Russell, I'm stuck here.' Russell tilted his head to an angle of suspicion. 'Hmm... Rikku, I need some barley leaf and your Rotom.' He said. I slapped my head. What is happening to her, I thought, could this be the doing of Darkrai?
'Hmm...' I said to myself, I here in the Background, 'Hey, Rikku, some time today?' I sighed and moved on. 'So much for being a gym leader, when I'm 23.' I mumbled. Russell is only 12. How? his sister is 16. Gah! I ran to the barley leaves, as I hear the sweetest sound... 'Th-that Melody' I stammered, gently swaying into the rhythm (Sorry if that isn't Spelt Right Folks :p) So anyways, I swayed and I saw this Beauty of a Lass. 4"6 and Blond. Until: 'You seen my Gf?' My Heart stopped. My Black In-sense was coming back. I Put my head down. 'I'm really sorry. Please, Help me sister.' She smiled and said; 'I know a Goth y'know. I could Ask-' I stepped back and said; 'Sure, please!' Russell was now mixing the potion, with the help of Rotom's Ominous Wind and Psybeam. By the way, My name is Rikku, and I'm on a quest to find out if I could be the next Gym Leader! anyways, My Sister is back to normal, 'Wikku, where awre wee?' I slap my head again. 'Gah! I will tell you at home.'

Chapter 1: Rikku's Other Job

I walk through the front door of my house, realising that I was supposed to meet 'Amanda' at the Lake. 'Gasp! Mom, I'm leaving with the Baguette and Salami!' I quivered, Racing out the door. I look at my watch, it says 19:55. Now, by this time, I seen her glamorous Dress. I stared at the wonder of Darkness coming from the place. Wow. I can't Believe this is Actually Happening to me.(people wait a lifetime for a moment like this :p) She smiled and said; 'Amy has told me all about you.' I looked at her, Blankly.
She told me about how the lake was protected by a Pokemon called Mesprit, and Russell has one of her sisters. Uxie. I stared at her. She Stared back. and for more than 7 minutes, we said nothing, until her voice croaked a statement: 'Have you heard of a Pokedex?' I looked Daintfully at her,'Pokedex?' I mumbled. 'Can a kiss help?' She smiled. 'Ok.' I said. The Atmosphere was romantic as I lifted her up and kissed her soft cheek, she lifted up and kissed my lips as my eyes widened. I never felt so close to anyone before.
The next Morning, I cycled to Sandgem Town, Near 'Professor Rowan's' Place. I yelped at the excitment of running in to get a Pokedex, then let my heart swoop in and- 'Hey, Rikku' a Voice, Familiar Behind me, Russell. 'Your'e gonna get a 'Dex aren't Ya?' He said. 'Yup' I replied as I moved on. He Blankly Looked at me, a Twitch in his eye. I opened the door, Looking Curiously in the House. 'Rowan?' I sqeeked. I heard a Bellow, 'COME IN! YOUNGSTER!' He was a tall, old man, staring miserably at me as I Shrieked at his low pitch voice. 'Can I Start on your Quest? Like, Do the Research on Pokemon?' He looked at me like I was a Brick. 'Why sure youngster, or should I say Rikku?' I look shocked at his response. 'How told-'
'Hiya!' A Little, Self Centered Voice came, It was Amanda. She waved and I Started to get Kissy with her. 'Amanda is my Daughter. She has been searching on Wild Adaptations and Somewhat.' I thought, I have to be slick, otherwise if I make the worng move I will be sorry! He gave me the Pokedex and I bowed. 'Thanks sir. I will not forget you Compassion.' I set off. I ran outside as followed by one girl. 'May I journey with you?' Amanda Said, 'Of Course' I said, As I wander away with her.
 
Characters: Ones so Far:
Russell (Fire Leader, Me.)
Rikku (Main Character)
Amanda(Enthusiastic Gal)
Amy (Grass Leader, My Gal)
Rowan (Scientist)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you wish to be in a Story, Private Message me.
 
That was hard to follow, especially with new speech being on the same line as one who has already spoken and the seemingly random capitalisation. There isn't much in the way of description either, so understanding becomes more difficult. Also, though short sentances can be useful as a literary tool but the way you seem to b using them it just breaks up the story flow too much. Finally, is this present tense? I ask only because it seems to slip into past tense on occasion.

I know that looks like a lot of critiscm, but I feel that your story has potential.
 

Sem

The Last of the Snowmen
Former Administrator
lulz ban evasion for the upteenth time. We could keep this up forever you know; can you? :3

Ban'd.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top