We went up to the Emperor's bedchamber. It was as opulent as ever, yet mostly untouched. I remembered the day we'd arrived at Cloud Ruler Temple, refugees from Kvatch, and Martin's horrified reaction at the size of it. I remembered how I'd caught him playing with his dagger; how I'd thought he was suicidal, before he'd explained that it was the only possession he had left. I realised anew why it was that he still wore his beaten-up priest's robe instead of any of the more luxurious clothes on offer.
Knowing how self-conscious he was about undressing, I excused myself briefly, and went to speak to the Blades outside the room. I was pleased to see Jena, one of the few Blades with any magical ability, with Baurus, of course. "Um, listen," I said, "Martin's asked me to stay with him tonight."
"Oh, really?" exclaimed Baurus. "I was wondering when he was finally going to get around to that!"
I gave him a confused look. "Um, perhaps you know something I don't. But I just wanted to say. I'm not quite sure what he has in mind, and... just in case... well, if you hear um, sounds..."
"Sex sounds," agreed Baurus. Jena blushed bright red. I felt my face doing the same.
"By Talos, Baurus, I'm wondering what exactly our lord's been sharing with you! But... yes, if you hear anything that sounds like, um, screaming – I give you my word as a Blade that I will not harm the Emperor."
"We need more assurance than that," piped up Jena. "Not that we distrust you, but for all we know, both of you could be being murdered in your sleep."
"I know," I agreed. "Which is why I want you to use the Detect Life spell I taught you to check on us instead of coming in. If you see more than two life signatures – or less than two – or anything which implies that something is wrong, then you should burst in with swords ready. Otherwise..."
"I can do that," Jena agreed.
"Thank you."
"And... take care of him?" asked Jena. "He's not just our Emperor. He's given up so much for us. He deserves happiness."
"I'll do my best."
-----
Back in the room, Martin was kneeling alongside the bed, praying to Akatosh as he did every night. He'd blown out most of the candles, leaving only a couple next to the bed. I stripped off my armour, without looking at him: unbuckling each piece and laying it out straight to make it easier for the morning. By the time I stood in my undergarments, he was lying in bed watching me, with a small smile on his face as if he liked what he saw. I was still unsure what exactly he wanted from me; knowing only that whatever he needed, I was willing to give.
I slid into bed next to him, and opened my arms. "Come here, then". He wriggled into my embrace, and sighed. We lay together, side-by-side, for a few minutes.
My left elbow was trapped under Martin's body and I couldn't move enough to release it, but my right arm was free. I stroked his back gently, moving my hand upwards, until I got to his neck. Sliding my hand under his thick, brown hair, I dug my fingers in, grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled – as I'd wanted to since I'd first seen him. Martin groaned, and his eyes flared with lust.
He pushed me onto my back, rolling over so that he was on top of me. Raising himself up on his arms, he looked into my face. "Alix... I... we need to talk."
"Tell me what you need," I replied. I let my arms fall away, giving him space to move.
"That's the problem," he sighed, letting himself collapse on top of me. I let him lie there for a while, bringing my arms round in a cuddle that would have been completely innocent, were it not for his head on my chest. I kissed the top of his head, lightly – something I'd do just as easily for a close friend as a lover. Martin seemed to be fighting for control of his emotions.
Eventually, he spoke again. "Alix, I... I've told you a little of my history with Sanguine. Only what I could. My friends died... It hurts to even think of that time. But I... You know what worshipping Sanguine involves, don't you?"
"Well," I thought for a moment. "He's the Daedric Prince of debauchery, always depicted with a bottle in his hand or a whore under his thumb. You told me before how nothing was ever 'just a prank' with him. I imagine that worshipping him involves getting very intoxicated and losing your inhibitions."
"And the rest. Sex. With whichever partner the daedra chooses. Not who you might choose, or be attracted to ordinarily. Sanguine decides. Remember that 'prank' he made you do – making the Countess of Leyawiin run round in her underwear? He loves humiliation. If he can debase you, he will."
I could see that what Martin was telling me was somehow very important, but not how to respond. I swallowed, and said carefully. "You had no choice?"
"No."
"Whoever he chose? Even if you weren't attracted to them?"
"Whoever he chose. Especially if you weren't attracted to them." Martin's eyes glistened with unshed tears.
I shook my head. "I don't understand how a so-called god could do that to his followers. That's why I've always stuck to the Nine. The Divines are honourable, even if their plans are impenetrable." I stroked Martin's hair, and kissed the top of his head again, offering whatever comfort I could.
"I haven't been with anyone since leaving Sanguine's fellowship. You understand – it was my choice? Akatosh doesn't ask for celibacy, even the priesthood doesn't require it - it was something I had to do for myself. Years without love to atone for those months of hedonistic lust. And... what happened afterwards."
Thoughtfully, I carried on playing with his hair. "You haven't had a lot of free choices, my friend. I've only made that worse for you. Disrupting your life, telling you that you're the Emperor's son, bringing you here... Putting the fate of the world into your hands."
"Don't say that!". Blue eyes bored into mine. "We both know I'd be dead by now if not for you. What happened at Kvatch would have happened again. I owe you my life. I owe you everything."
"Then if you ask for everything, and owe me everything – isn't that a fair trade?"
Martin stared at me as if his sanity depended on it. Perhaps it did.
"What you did at Kvatch. It wasn't the gods that saved us, it was you. Were you acting for the gods? I don't know."
"I don't know, either. Are you asking whether Akatosh sent me to save you?"
"Yes." Martin's head dropped onto my chest, and he began to weep. Months - and years - of pain, fear, disgust, and self-loathing washed out of his system with his tears. I rolled him onto his back and crawled on top, to maximise the calming pressure of my body on his.
I kissed his forehead. I kissed his cheeks. I ran my hands through his hair. I kissed him on the lips: brief, chaste pecks. He wrapped his arms around my back and held on. I could feel his arousal building, but would do nothing without his express consent.
"Alix?" he said, finally, voice rough from crying. "I can't ask for what I want. I do what the gods want of me. No man can deny his destiny."
"Then tell me. Do you trust me to do what you need? To keep kicking the Divines until they give you a destiny you can live with?"
"Always".
I kissed him again on the lips, and this time he opened his mouth to meet mine.
-----
Martin lay under me, utterly spent. He'd come so violently that he'd surprised himself, and now he was lying in blissful afterglow, watching the flickering of the candlelight on my skin. His brown hair glinted chestnut, the lines on his face seemed to have faded, and his smile finally reached his eyes. We kissed drowsily for a few minutes, before his breathing deepened, and exhaustion overtook him.
I got out of bed and blew out the last few candles, before opening the heavy curtains slightly to let in some moonlight. Then I pulled the blankets over both of us, and snuggled in against his side. It was so unusual to see him totally relaxed. Martin moaned faintly in his sleep, and threw an arm over me, possessively. His eyes moved rapidly behind closed lids, and I knew he was dreaming.
I held the Emperor in my arms all night, guarding him from the horrors in his head.
. Writing as genderless is an interesting exercise... The character isn't genderqueer, Alix has a definite gender, but isn't revealing it right now.