Once Upon a Dream.

[XJirachiX]

Info​

This story is based on Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, but slightly different. The Pokemon will have names of my friends. There will be pokemon fighting. It may have the same storyline of PMD. I am Willy[lol] The Shiny Venonat. Janrel is a Poochyena. Daniel is a Sentret. Ashley is a Swablu. Amanda is a Ralts. Finally, Aileen is a Shiny Shuppet.

Chapter 1:A Walk In The Forest​

"Hey guys!" shouted Janrel. "What is it Janrel?" said Ashley. "I'm Booreedd." he said. "Well let's go out for a walk in the forest then?" she replied. "Okay, sounds like fun!" "Well let's get ready then! We'll have to restock our supplies." "Okay, lets all go to Pera Town." "Okay let's go!" So, they walked to Pera town, they bought Berries, Antidoes, Full Heals, and Pecha Scarfs. Once they were done, they ran along to Abrascia Forest.

"Wow, it looks scary!" Willy said. "Of course it is Willy, it's the home of the Abrascia's." Amanda answered. "Abriasca's? Who or what are they?" Aileen said scardily. "You don't know? They are a bunch of bugs who live here. But they are very scary. It is led by Abrascia, a Beedrill. She commands Kakuna, Weedle, and Burmy." she replied. "Wow, that must be some scary lady! I guess we should keep our gaurd." Willy said. So they walked through... but then, they heard a sound. It went Buzzz.. Buzzz."Watch out!" Amanda shouted. "Buzzzzzzzzz!" It was Abrascia! With her Kakuna, Weedle, and Burmy! "Ahhh! Buggs!" Aileen yelled. "We have to fight them!" Willy exclaimed. "You think you can beat usss..?" Abrascia said. "We can if we split up!" Willy replied.

"Amanda, take Weedle! Ashley, take Burmy! Janrel, Kakuna! Daniel, Aileen, and I will get Abrascia." So Amanda used Confusion and confused Weedle. Weedle kept hitting itself. After it got knocked out. "Weed.. weeedlee.." Ashley used her peck to deafeat Burmy. As a grass/bug type it did double the damage. "Burmmy..." Janrel used his mad fighting skills(I ran out of ideas) to deafeat Kakuna. "Kak.. kakk!" Burmy, Weedle, and Kakuna scurried off saying "This isn't the last of us!" So then only Abrascia was left, but she managed to hide while we made our plan, so we went together. "Where could she be?" Daniel said. "Open your ears and try to listen for buzzing." Amanda replied. Buzzz...Buzzz. "There!" Willy said. Willy used Confusion. Abrascia then got confused. "Whattt? Wheree?" Let's jump her! Aileen used Shadow Sneak, Amanda used Confusion, Daniel used Tackle, Janrel used bite, Ashley used Peck, and Willy used Confusion! "Bu..buzz!" "You have defeated me.. as the owner of the forest, I must lead you out." Abrascia said. "Well okay then!" Willy answered. So Abrascia led them out, and when they exited, they were in Songet Town!

That's it for Chapter 1. I didn't get to make it in paragraphs though :x​

 

[Tatile]

It certainly has potential, particularly with the main characters being the Pokemon. However it is a little hard to read, at least for me. May I make a suggestion? When another person starts talking, start their speech on a seperate line. That was it's easier what's going on and it doesn't quite look like someone's talking to themselves.

I also feel that it could use more description for certain aspects, as at the moment, despite you stating what your characters are, they appear (at least to me) in the story as faceless blobs with name tags.

Don't be disheartened though, it's all about practice.

 

[Weeds]

Yeah, I agree with Tatile. And shouldn't Wurmple, Kakuna and Burmy say something too? I mean, in Mystery Dungeon all pokemon can talk, while here it's just the main characters and Abrascia. And one more comment, more on the story itself than what's named above, I would have made the story start out slow, then maybe have something happening. Now it's just "Hey, let's go" "Okay!" They go. They find enemies. They fight. They win. They leave. If you get me?