Stella and Sam

[Colourtheory]

Chapter 1: Sam

OOC: I hope you guys enjoy my fic. It is about a theif and a rich girl who fall madly in love. Lol. I plan to make many more fics. So please continue checking this fic for up coming chapters.
~Colourtheory

"Get him!" I heard the police officer leading the unit yell. I was running across the sidewalks of Ney York City. Obiviously exposing myself. What an Idiot I am. I have to find somewhere else to go. I thought to myself. I came up to a small flower stand sitting absently on the sidewalk.

The streets were unusually empty. As well as the streets. To be honest, I don't think New York City has ever been 'silenced', but I was curious to find out.

I looked behind me to find the unit of police officers gettting closer to me. I heasitated. I threw the flowersthat were sitting on the stand in ther direction and pushed the stand over. I ran to the corner of the street, possibly the end of New York city being that I have been running for so long, and turned the corner right into an ally. I continued running down the ally like I didn't even care where I was runnin to. That was untill I hit a cold brick wall. It was the end of the ally. I could smell the matallic smell of blood. I heard a light dripping sound and looked down to find me in a pool of blood.
I felt my head. I could tell there was some type of injury, but I had no idea what it was because of the darkness of the ally.

A light flashed from above me. I looked up to find a hellicopter that in giant blue letters had printed on the side 'POLICE'. CRAP! I thought to myself. What an Idiot i was. I'm in a police chase and decide to stop in an ally? So unlike me.

"Stop right there!" Yelled the head police officer. He was crowded by what looked like a SWAT team. "Stay here," he ordered them. "I'll take care of him". The head police officer walked slowly up the dark ally. I could not see much, but I could here the clicks from his boots. He walked up to me, sitting in a pool of blood, and grabbed me by the throught lifting me from the ground.

"Look who we have here. Sam Bigalow." the police officer said. He relased his grip on me and let me stumble to the ground. I got back up. "Why hello Giovanni. And how are you on this evening?" I asked him with a bloody smirk.

Giovanni is the head of the police department in New York City. I have a long history with him. You see, I am wanted here in New York City. I'm a theif. I have no house and barely enough money. My parents died in a 9-11 attack three years ago. Giovanni is always the one that is after me when I steal something.

Giovanni grabbed his gun that was attached to his belt. "Who do you think you are Bigalow? What makes you think you can steal from a jewelry store?" he spat at me. "I think I am in fact Sam Bigalow, Giovanni." I spat back with a laugh.

Giovanni let out a grunt and smacked me right in the temple with his gun. I felt a blur and a little dizzy. I was fed up with him. I looked around for something to use against him. From behind me I felt a piece of brick. I secretly picked it up and through it right at hime knocking him out. He fell to the ground.

"GET HIM!" I heard a member of the swat team yell. The swat team began to run after me. In panic I grabbed Giovanni's gun and opened fire anywhere I could as I ran to the exit of the ally. I jumped over members of the swat team, shot them. When I reached the exit, I turned and continued to run along the sidewalk, my body in clothes still soaked in blood.

When I began to cross the street, right when I was in the middle of the street, a black carr pulled up in front of me. Now whos after me? I thought. I drew the gun I stole from Giovanni and held it to the black car. The back door opened and a girl with blond hair stepped out.

"Get in the car! Hurry!" she said. I looked back and saw the swat team running after me. I immediately dropped the gun and ran into the car. The girl got in an closed the door behind her.

"Hurry up Blaine," she said to the driver of the car. "Take me and Sam here to my house. Fast."

And the black car sped away.

 

[Carmen Lopez]

Finally, I can reply!

If you don't mind, I wanted to critique...if you do mind, just ignore the rest of this post lol.

Your fic is overall pretty good and I do like the storyline, but it's a bit rough around the edges right now. There are a couple of distracting grammar errors such as the "The streets were unusually empty. As well as the streets. To be honest, I don't think New York City has ever been 'silenced', but I was curious to find out." line that are easily fixed. Overall, you need more detail such as your character's emotions. Since this is a first person fic, you can go into what Sam is feeling.

I definitely want you to continue because it's awesome seeing new writers around here ♥ Don't leave us (me) hanging!

 

[Colourtheory]

Thanks so much Akira! I have been waiting for someone to reply.
I don't think I ever really noticed those issues when I read it over. But I do agree with you. I should really also focus on the actions. But what about the settings? Should I go into more detail? For example,
Sem said:

The sky was painted orange as the sun began its descent over the horizon, beyond Mount Coronet. The place was the Battle District of Veilstone City. Trainers from the city gathered and battled, and some were from out of town. Trainers and spectators stood in the stands of the Nature Arena, many of whom were uniformed with colors of the local high school. A one on one match was about to begin, another having just concluded.

I personally think I should add more of that to my fic.

Thanks for reading it though! Thanks for the advice! I will redo chapter two and take your advice to re-write it.

 

[Shiny Motley]

Regarding setting, it helps give a visual representation of the area if you give more detail. Not overboard detail, like the red house with the maple-colored shingles were two and five-eights yards away from you, but enough so that people can easily imagine where your character is. Time of day is especially important in many fics, so things like "the sun was high in the sky" or "night was about to fall", or even weather (cloudy, somewhat windy, clear, etc.) might play a role.

It's not always necessary, but it helps make your writing more poetic, and might help flow sometimes.

Also, I notice that you start out a lot of your sentences the same way: I + verb, or generally noun + verb. Though again, not essential, it makes your writing flow more if you use a variety of sentence structures. This is more of a style thing, though. ^^;

Keep writing, I'll be back for more.

 

[Colourtheory]

Also, I notice that you start out a lot of your sentences the same way: I + verb, or generally noun + verb. Though again, not essential, it makes your writing flow more if you use a variety of sentence structures. This is more of a style thing, though. ^^;

That sound just like my Damn english teacher. Shes always like, "You have to many repetative sentences."

Did I mention shes ugly?

 

[Yoshimitsu]

Also, I notice that you start out a lot of your sentences the same way: I + verb, or generally noun + verb. Though again, not essential, it makes your writing flow more if you use a variety of sentence structures. This is more of a style thing, though. ^^;

That sound just like my Damn english teacher. Shes always like, "You have to many repetative sentences."

Did I mention shes ugly?

Someone's giving you advice. Insulting them in response? Uncalled for. And against the rules.

I'm watching your posts closely from now on. This is a formal warning.