The Adventures of Garrosh Hellscream

[KoL]

Chapter 1: The Escape(s)

Breaking out of panda prison has been about as hard as Garrosh expected, what with him being about a half-ton of muscle and the so called “prison” being made of bamboo twigs. The thickness of Garrosh's skull was more than enough to smash through the bars with ease, and due to Garrosh's severe lack of functional brain, the risk of concussion was nonexistent. The pandaren guards had tried to stop his escape once they realized that his mindless head-banging against the prison bars had in fact broken him free, but there's only so much grace an obese, humanoid panda can have when attempting flying kicks. Garrosh had knocked them both out cold simply by raising his fists into the air, causing both pandaren's lower jaws to collide and shatter against Garrosh's giant fists as the two had attempted their trademark flying kicks against him. After spending a good half a minute gloating about how easily he'd broken free, Garrosh realized he'd need to make himself scarce fast if his new-found freedom were to be maintained, not that the pandaren could ever hope to catch him again if he simply decided to run away. However, Garrosh realized that escape would actually be a good idea, and that just wasn't going to fly. Finding an axe was more important than trying to actually escape for whatever reason.


Luckily for Garrosh, his stupidity was rewarded; a woodcutter had carelessly left his axe laying around. Garrosh heard an alarm bell go off in the distance as he picked up his new weapon; the pandaren had spotted him and were approaching... well, what would have been fast for a pandaren, but rather slowly for any species that wasn't fat. Garrosh knew he could easily escape by running, but orcs never run from battle, so Garrosh raised his axe and prepared to fight off the pandaren attack.


Garrosh was glad that the pandaren weren't much smarter than he was; after he was horribly outnumbered and thrown back into prison again, the pandaren apparently had failed to realize that bamboo prison bars weren't much use against an orc of his size. Also, the pandaren guards had made the rather stupid mistake of standing right outside the bars of his cell with their backs turned, and once Garrosh had reached through the bars and smashed the pandaren's skulls into chunky salsa with his fists, he broke himself free once again and this time decided to actually make himself scarce as fast as possible.


“Foolish pandaren!” Garrosh yelled once he was far enough away from the prison, apparently unaware that someone may be following him and that that someone would probably have heard his voice. “They are no match for a true orc warrior!” he added, still not bothering to lower his voice. Garrosh realized he was quite hungry; the pandaren hadn't exactly fed him well while he was imprisoned and Garrosh loved his pork very much, so he decided to try and find some animals to kill and eat before he focused on getting himself off Pandaria and back to Kalimdor. Unfortunately the pandaren he'd betrayed his position to with his idiotic yelling had managed to catch up to him during the several minutes it had taken for Garrosh to realize he was hungry; one quaking palm technique later and Garrosh had been knocked unconscious and dragged back to prison yet again. Luckily the pandaren had spent so much time arguing about who would be the ones to guard Garrosh's cell and risk being punched out that Garrosh was able to escape for a third time before they could assign anyone to stop him, and although Garrosh hadn't learned not to yell and gloat after escaping, the pandaren had taken so long to realize he'd escaped again that he managed to get away with it this time. After another few minutes of mercifully quiet contemplation only brought about because thinking and speaking at the same time was too arduous for Garrosh, he remembered he was hungry and needed food. Pandaria was full of wild animals luckily, so killing one for meat shouldn't be too hard, Garrosh thought to himself. After finding and punching out a wild goat and ripping out all the tender meat he could, Garrosh decided to locate a fire to cook the meat over. It didn't take him long to find one fortunately, but Garrosh hadn't realized the possible issues of using a cooking fire in the middle of a pandaren village when he was meant to be on the run, and the inevitable happened yet again.


“Damn it all, this is the second time I've been thrown in prison today!” Garrosh yelled angrily.

“Actually, it's...” the pandaren guard replied under his heavily plated helmet, “...oh never mind.”

 

[KoL]

Chapter 2: The "Time Lord"

“God-damn him,” Kairoz muttered to himself irritably “Here I come to break him out while the pandaren guards are asleep like the lazy fucks they are, and Garrosh's snoring is making sure they stay awake all night...” Kairoz had come to break Garrosh free from prison for... some reason which even Kairoz himself wasn't sure of. He felt like he was being commanded to do this by some higher power in a way he couldn't quite explain, and the higher power reminded him of goblins for some reason too – either way, here he was, trying to break Azeroth's paragon of dumbassery out of prison, against his better judgement. Kairoz had hoped it'd have been as simple as just sneaking through to Garrosh's cell while the guards were asleep and using magic to get him out of the cell, but with the guards still very much awake Kairoz would have to use the powers of his dragonflight and bend time to his will in order to free the Horde's ex-Warchief from his bamboo prison. Kairoz focused his power to stop time temporarily around the cell; he knew this spell would be difficult to maintain for long, and he worked quickly to bend the timespace around the cell to get Garrosh free and the both of them quickly to safety shortly after. All without waking him up too, Kairoz thought to himself... Garrosh's stupidity was legendary across all of Azeroth, and the less time Kairoz had to listen to his fuckwit companion speak the better, as far as he was concerned.


Garrosh stirred awake as Kairoz rested to restore his spent power. “...wh-who are you?” Garrosh asked his seemingly elven companion.

“I am Kairoz. I came to break you out of that prison for... some reason.” Kairoz explained

“Hm, then you should hurry up and break me out before the Pandaren find us!” Garrosh yelled.

“I-...I've already broken you free...” Kairoz replied, stunned. Realizing he'd underestimated his companion's retardation, Kairoz was already very much regretting freeing Garrosh from his cell.

“Huh? Oh... hm...” Garrosh muttered stupidly, attempting to make sense of the situation. Kairoz enjoyed the several minutes of silence granted by Garrosh's inability to talk and think at the same time while they lasted. “Then what do we do now?”

“Well we can't stay here or they'll catch us again. I can take us through to other timelines so that we can elude our pursuers.”

“HA!” Garrosh suddenly stood, grinning widely as though he'd just achieved his life dream at that very moment. “Now I know who you are!”

“Wh-wha...?” Kairoz stood as well, a look of utter terror on his face; he knew whatever Garrosh was about to come out with threatened to be idiotic enough to shatter his mind.

“You're Doctor Who!” Garrosh shouted proudly.

“...who...?” Kairoz asked, completely and utterly lost.

“Yes! Who! That's you!” Garrosh answered, that shit-eating grin still plastered across his face. Resisting the overwhelming urge to wind his hand back and slap the grin off Garrosh's face all the way back to Outland, Kairoz gathered himself and began to speak.

“Yes, I'm Doctor Who, whatever,” Kairoz said, causing Garrosh to somehow smile even wider than he already was. “Anyway, the pandaren will be after us soon, and once the Alliance and Horde find out you're free they'll be after us too.”
“Alliance... and Horde...” Garrosh grunted, his earlier smile turning into a hate-filled scowl. “They humiliated me! THEY TOOK MY WORLD FROM ME!!”

“I kno-” Kairoz started, but Garrosh was now bellowing his rage at the skies so loudly Kairoz couldn't even hear himself speak. Now I know why his surname is Hellscream, Kairoz thought to himself as he covered his ears, waiting for what felt like eternity for Garrosh to stop screaming like an idiot and pay attention to his plan. Once Garrosh had run out of breath about five minutes later, Kairoz began talking again.

“Garrosh, if you're done screaming we should get moving.” Kairoz said flatly

“Why?” Garrosh said angrily, sounding more like a petulant child than a former warchief.

“Because your screaming just drew the attention of several hundred pandaren that want you back behind bars,” Kairoz said, pointing to the noisy crowd very slowly running towards them.

“Then we fight them! FOR THE HO-...uh...um...” Garrosh realized that he was no longer part of the Horde, and would have spent several minutes trying to think of a new war cry while the pandaren threw him and Kairoz in jail had Kairoz not grabbed Garrosh's arm and used the last of his power to throw himself and Garrosh into another timeline to escape.


“No! Where did they go!?” Taran Zhu yelled as his Shado-Pan troops continued running towards the spot where Garrosh and Kairoz were before they teleported away. “Curse our chronic obesity!” he added, which was met with mutterings of disapproval from his pandaren companions.

“Uh, Lord Zhu, we have bigger problems,” said the pandaren to Zhu's left, pointing at a massive army of what could only be Mogu troops bearing down upon them. Taran Zhu quickly stood and turned; the Mogu had flanked his Shado-Pan squad and were moving in for the kill. Zhu knew he and his men were horribly outnumbered possibly several thousand times over by the Mogu here; luckily, he knew just how to deal with a situation such as this.

“Hey, you!” Lord Zhu yelled at the Mogu general approaching him from the front. “That guy over there said your mother is a knob-slobbering whore!”

“WHAT!?” the Mogu general yelled angrily, glaring at the offending general flanking the Shado-Pan. The general in question simply glared back, moving to a combat stance with his spear at the ready.

“Yes, and that guy over there said you fight like a little bitch!” Taran Zhu added, pointing at the other general flanking him.
“HOW DARE YOU!! YOU WISH TO CHALLENGE ME!?” the general screamed in rage at his fellow general, brandishing his massive sword.

“Also, your men told me you have a microscopic penis,” Taran Zhu said flatly to round it off.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGHH!!” the general bellowed, swinging back and carving his entire front line into giblets with one huge swing of his sword. The other two generals moved in as well, piling in on both each other and the first general's army, and within mere seconds Taran Zhu and his Shado-Pan squad had been completely forgotten as the thousands upon thousands of Mogu that had threatened them quickly began tearing each other apart in rage.

“How did we ever end up being enslaved by these idiots again?” Taran Zhu asked.

“...I honestly do not know,” his second-in-command answered.

“In any case, we have another idiot to deal with.” Zhu said, beckoning his men to follow him as they walked away from the Mogu army still carving itself into meaty ribbons behind them.

 

[KoL]

Chapter 3: The "Hizz-orde"

Kairoz wearily got to his feet and allowed his eyes time to focus before examining his surroundings. He had no idea where - or when – his time travel spell had sent him, and knew full-well what harm could occur if he didn't figure it out soon. “...ugh, where are we?” he muttered to himself more than Garrosh.

“I don't know... but this place looks familiar,” Garrosh answered anyway as he stood, gazing out across the grassy plains.

“Well in any case, we need to figure out where we are both in time and location before we do anything else...” Kairoz explained, hoping Garrosh would be intelligent enough to at least co-operate.

“We should go this way, towards that temple there,” Garrosh pointed ahead at a temple carved out of black stone somewhere in the distance.

“Did... you just come up with a plan?” Kairoz asked Garrosh, slightly amazed.

“I can smell cooked meat in that direction, and I'm hungry. We're going that way,” Garrosh answered, confirming that he was still the same old idiot he always was.

“Ugh... well it's better than no plan at all...” Kairoz said reluctantly.

“After you Doctor!” Garrosh said with a grin; his attempt at humour falling flatter than his attempts at being a good Warchief had done over the last two expansions. Kairoz groaned and led the way.


“Hmm, there's something going on here,” Garrosh said, as if the massive, noisy crowd standing outside the stone temple didn't give that fact away itself. Before Kairoz could answer, a voice echoed across the entire crowd, emanating from the temple.

“Hello my fellow orcs and clansmen, I am Ner'Zhul...” the elderly-looking orc called out, somewhat wearily by the sounds of it, Kairoz thought to himself. “Allow me to welcome your leader... the... ugh, do I have to read this?” Ner'Zhul asked, almost pleadingly, to someone out of sight somewhere behind him; although Garrosh and Kairoz couldn't hear the other person's reply, it was obvious what they'd answered with. “Allow me to welcome the pimp-daddy of the Horde, Shadowmoon's Danny-G...”

“You can almost taste his pain...” Kairoz muttered to himself, as Garrosh looked on in awe.

“...the lord and master of all that is fel and swag, Gul'Dan.” Ner'Zhul finished, looking like a man who wanted to drop dead there and then just for saying those words. Luckily Gul'Dan spared Ner'Zhul any further embarrassment by hogging the center stage spotlight for him and allowing Ner'Zhul to retreat away before his dignity was crushed further.

“Yoyoyoyoyo it's yo' boi Danny-G, Gangsta-D in the hizz-ouse bitches!!” Gul'Dan screeched to his audience, who erupted in applause. “O-kaaaaaaaay O-kaaaaaaaay, settle down y'all, fo' the time has come to begin our ceremony o' reckonin', to drink the blood of our boys the Burnin' Legion!” This time Garrosh joined in the applause that echoed across the temple grounds, even though Kairoz was certain Garrosh had no idea what “Danny-G” was even trying to say.

“So then, which o' y'all is gonna be the boi who tries the magic brew of the Legion first?” Gul'Dan said, showing the contents of the large chalice he was holding to the audience. The audience cheered once more, but Garrosh's expression changed to one of horror.

“No! I can't allow this!” Garrosh said, charging through the crowd as fast as he could.

“No! Garrosh wait!” Kairoz called after him, following as closely as he could behind him before the spaces in the crowd closed up again.

“Aww, big G! You gonna be the first?” Gul'Dan called to a tall orc at the front of the crowd as Garrosh charged forward, an orc who Garrosh recognized immediately.

“DAD! NO!!” Garrosh yelled, charging through the crowd even faster, to the displeasure of all the people he was pushing past and Kairoz, who was still trying to placate him. “NO! I cannot allow this!!” Garrosh screamed once he'd reached the front of the crowd, drawing the attention of both Grom and Gul'Dan at the temple gates.

“N'awwww man it ain't goin' down like this, 'da fuck are you s'posed to be?” Gul'Dan yelled back at Garrosh.

“Dad, I can't allow you to do this!” Garrosh yelled as he approached Grom and Gul'Dan.

“Wh-wha-? Dad? Big G, dis yo' boi?” Gul'Dan asked Grom. Grom looked as nonplussed as Gul'Dan, but stepped forward to examine Garrosh all the same.

“Hmm...” Grom said as he looked over his son from the future. “There's only one way to know for sure... Garrosh!”
“Yes?” Garrosh replied, grinning like a child.

“What is 1 + 1?” Grom asked. Kairoz knew exactly what would happen next, and as Garrosh's expression changed to one of deep thought, he felt his insides curdle at the thought of having patnered up with quite possibly the dumbest moron in all of Azeroth. After what felt like an eternity Garrosh finally answered.

“Eleven!” Garrosh yelled out proudly, grinning widely. Grom glared at him for a few seconds.

“...son!! It is you!!” Grom cried out happily, embracing Garrosh. “When did you get so big?”

“Umm...” Garrosh began to answer, but Kairoz stepped forward.

“I think I can field that one. Myself and Garrosh came from a future timeline it would seem. This is your son 30 years from now, or thereabout,” Kairoz explained.

“Hmm... how strange, but you're definitely my boy, no doubt,” Grom said. Kairoz felt quite embarrassed for Garrosh knowing that Grom identified him purely by his stupidity.

“Yo yo yo, Big G I happy for you n'all but yo' boi be hatin' big time, tryin' to stop our ceremony,” Gul'Dan interrupted. “Dat shit ain't gonna fly 'round here yo.”

“No! Wait!” Garrosh said to Gul'Dan, “Dad, you can't drink that!”

“See? Yo' boi be hatin' hard yo, that ain't fly 'round here.” Gul'Dan answered back angrily.

“But Dad! Hear me out! It looks like Clefthoof piss!” Garrosh said. “Orcs should never drink piss,” he added stupidly.

“Hmm...” Grom thought, examining the glowing, green liquid. Kairoz was horrified that Garrosh thought that this stuff could qualify as urine, but at this stage he knew he was knee-deep in it already and had to just play along with the madness going on around him. “You're right, it does! FELLOW ORCS!” Grom called out to the crowd as Gul'Dan examined the liquid himself, his expression showing that, reluctantly, he had come to the same conclusion as Garrosh and Grom. “We do not drink piss! WE PISS ON OUR ENEMIES AND MAKE THEM DRINK IT INSTEAD!!” Grom called out, the crowd cheering loudly in response. Kairoz felt even more ill than before, while Garrosh smiled proudly at his father.

“Yoyoyoyo, hold on a minute there playa!” Gul'Dan stepped forward to speak to Grom. “If we be concludin' that this shit be piss right here, den what we gonna do instead fo' our amazin' ceremony? Dat “YOLO” shit already ain't flyin' with me after Kay-Jay hooked me up with dem “soulstone” things.”

“We do what all orcs do! WE FIGHT AND CONQUER!!” Garrosh yelled, the crowd now cheering for him.

“Yoyoyo, I'm cool wi' dat but who put yo' ass in charge?” Gul'Dan asked, quite upset that he was being upstaged by Garrosh and Grom.

“Hm, he's right, Danny-G needs to be in charge, it's not the same without him,” Grom agreed, “We should let him make the final choices around here.”
“Anyway, we already be fightin' and conquerin' the Draenei 'round here,” Gul'Dan said.

“Draenei...?” Garrosh asked. Kairoz knew that in his mind, Garrosh was trying to piece together just what a Draenei was.

“Yeah the Draenei, big blue haters dat my boy Kay-Jay be wantin' dead yo,” Gul'Dan explained.

“Hmm,” Garrosh said, now remembering just who and what the Draenei were, “in my world the Draenei allied with other races, they called themselves The Alliance...” Garrosh explained, his voice seething with hate as he said the name. “In fact, they humiliated me! THEY ALL HUMILIATED ME DAD! I MUST GET REVENGE!!” Garrosh yelled out angrily as Grom gaped in horror.

“WHAT!? No-one hurts my boy and gets away with it! Danny-G, we need to kill this Alliance right now!” Grom demanded.

“Yoyoyo didn't I say mah ass was in charge around here, not yo' ass?” Gul'Dan said irritably, “but I like this idea o' yours tho', we smash all these hatin' fools fo' yo' boi and show da whole world why they should fear the Hizz-orde!” Gul'Dan yelled out to the crowd, who cheered loudly yet again.

“Yes! Thank you Dad! You're the best!” Garrosh said, embracing his father.

“It's OK son, no-one will hurt you and get away with it,” Grom said.

“Then it be settled yo! Listen up mah brothers and sisters! Mah boi Big G be spittin' that his boi be bein' hated on by these “Alliance” fools, and ain't nobody got tahm fo' dat!” Gul'Dan yelled out; Kairoz could have turned this into a drinking game with the amount of times the crowd roared their approval, Nozdormu knows he needed the alcohol right now to put up with this. “So ah say dis: We get our shit together, get to steppin' our asses to wherever Big G's boi came from, and slap dese Alliance fools!” Gul'Dan finished, eliciting the same response.

“The only way to get to where we came from is through time travel, and my magic is spent,” Kairoz told Gul'Dan once the crowd had quietened. “I will need to rest before we can make the trip to Azeroth to fight the Alliance.”

“Shiiiit, we can't start right now?” Gul'Dan screeched, “no worries yo', fo' dis gives us tahm to sort out our forces, arm ourselves fo' the fight so that when we get ter dis “Azeroth” side o' tha street, we can slap these fools so hard they won't know what smoked they asses! BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!” Gul'Dan screamed to the crowd, “get yo' asses back home, get yo' shit together, prepare yo'selves for some hater-slappin' and we'll be meetin' up once Doctor Who over here...” Gul'Dan pointed at Kairoz as he named him, causing Kairoz to shake his head in disgust, “... has recharged hi'self so we can hop on his TARDIS all tha' way to Azeroth street yo!” The crowd, once again, cheered as if that was the only response to anything that they could think of.

“Hah! Now the Alliance and the Horde will finally pay for their crimes!” Garrosh muttered to himself within earshot of Kairoz, who could only stare out in horror as he realized he'd just joined forces with the most brutal and idiotic force likely to have ever existed.