Cinder and Logan

[Mystic_Suicune]

This fan-fic is going to be losely based on my adventure through fire Red. I obviously change a lot of the text and such, to make it a little more interesting. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Don't Go Into The Tall Grass! Logan vs. Jacob Battle 1!
Boing! Pop! Ding! The sounds of Super Mario Bros were coming from Logan's television. He looked at the clock.
"Oh, crap!" Logan exclaimed
Logan was in a big hurry today. He was going to get his first Pokémon from Professor Oak today. He said he would choose the Pokémon when he got to the lab. He took a Potion out of storage, just to be safe. He didn't know if Oak's grandson, Jacob, was going to be there or not. He wanted to be safe in case a battle occurred. He threw on his cap and ran down stairs. When he got to his front door, his mom stopped him.
"Logan….please be careful on your journey. I know your going to have Pokémon with you, but...please." she asked.
"Sure thing, ma!" Logan said with a smile and thumbs up to her. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and went off to Oak's Lab.
When Logan got there, he went into the room where he was supposed to meet the Professor. However, Logan's rival, Jacob was the only one there.
"Hey Jake, where's your grandpa?" Logan asked Jacob.
"I have no clue where gramps is, L! The geezer said to meet him here, and then he's a no-show!" Jacob answered. His voice was impatient, but not rude.
"Hmm….I'll go look for ‘im then!" Logan announced.
"Good luck with that, kid!" Jacob shouted after Logan as he ran out the building.
Logan searched all over the place for Professor Oak. As Logan was about to step into the grass to look for Oak on Route 1, he heard someone shouting "Don't go into the grass Logan! It's dangerous!" He turned around to see Oak running toward him.
"Hey! There ya are, pops! Jake and I were lookin' for ya!"
"Oh..Jacob? Oh right, I asked him to come today too...I've got to stop drinking wine before bed…" Oak muttered half to himself.
"What?" asked Logan, missing what the Professor said.
"D---uh?! U-uh, nothing, kid." Oak answered…"Er…come back to my lab with me, Logan."
They got back to the lab, and Professor Oak laid out three Poke Balls on the table in front of Logan and Jacob. One had a fire symbol on it, while the other two had water and grass symbols, respectfully.
"Logan...you have first choice.", said Jacob. His kindness surprised Logan. "What is he up to?" Logan thought. "…That way, I can pick the Type that trumps yours!" Jacob said, laughing. Logan sighed. "Whatever, Jake... um… I choose….the Fire-Type, Charmander!" exclaimed Logan as he threw the Poke Ball up in the air. A cute little Charmander popped out of the ball.
"Chamandah! " it exclaimed.
"I'll call you…Cinder!" said Logan, happy with his choice.
"Ha!" Jacob laughed, "With that little newt, you won't stand a chance against Brock and Misty!" While he said that truth, he picked up the Poke Ball containing Squirtle. "I won't nickname this fella." He said…"Hey, L….how about we battle? It should be easy since Squirtle won't know Bubble or Water Gun."
"Sure!" Logan accepted. "Ya up for this, Cinder?"
"Cha!"
"Squirtle, use Tackle!" shouted Jacob, before Squirtle was even out of the ball. However, the Squirtle still hit Cinder, almost knocking it out. Talk about a critical hit! Logan used the Potion on Cinder. "Cinder use Scratch!" It hit the Squirtle right on. The battle went on for about another minute with Tail Whips and Growl attacks. Finally…."Squirtle, use Tackle to finish it off!" shouted Jacob.
"Cinder, dodge and use Scratch!" Logan said. Cinder did just that, almost knocking out the Squirtle.
"Squirtle, tackle!" Jacob said. Logan had not expected this, and the attack took down his new Charmander. Cinder flew back into Logan stomach, and they both fell to the ground.
"Hmph," Jacob said, returning Squirtle to its ball. "You stink, Logan. I really hope you get tough enough to beat me one day. But now, I can't even call you my rival. Smell ya later, Gramps, Logan!" He ran out of the lab.
"I never had those problems with his dad….", said Oak, helping Logan and Cinder to their feet.
Logan stared at an exhausted Charmander in his arms.
"I'm sorry, Cinder…. I wasn't prepared for that last attack.
"Cha-a-a…" Cinder said, understandingly. "It's okay, neither was I…" is what it probably translated to.
"We will get stronger…together" Logan said to Cinder.
Just then, the lab's phone rang. "Hello?" Oak answered…."Okay, I'll have someone come get it." Oak hung up. "Logan, I need you to get a Parcel for me in Viridian City. Are you and Charman- I mean, Cinder, up for it?" Logan looked at Cinder, asking the same question. Cinder nodded.
"Sure thing, pops!" said Logan. "Cinder can get some training in along Route 1!"
Logan got Cinder healed up with help from his mom, and headed for Viridian City.

Positive or negative feedback accepted. Chapter 2 will be up if anyone likes this fic.

 

[Teapot]

Right, three things:

First, please please please use paragraphs and linebreaks. It isn't a massive wall of text, and I commend you for that, but you need linebreaks here and there in order to break up the writing and to make it readable.

Secondly, and this is something that isn't just limited to you, you really, really, really need to write more - and use a hell of a lot more description. If you read some of the more popular fics around, you'll see that they're generally fairly heavy on descriptive language, because it draws the reader into the world and lets them get involved. We don't even know what the main character looks like, which is a shame. Aim to write at least a page and a half in Word - just as one of the stickied topics in this very forum says - and your writing will probably get a lot better. There's just not enough of it: not enough ideas, not enough plot, and not enough actual pure words.

Thirdly... your plot is pretty thin. You're effectively writing the generic Pokémon plot, and we've all seen that hundreds of times. The games can get away with it because it's "your adventure" - it's interactive. Fan fiction can't. In the chapter I read, I really can't see anything other than minor deviations from the actual plot, let alone the world in the games. It may be wise to rethink what you are writing because at the moment, this is nothing I haven't seen every time I turn on my game.

 

[Mystic_Suicune]

All right. Thank you. I will work on that.

EDIT: I took a little inspiration from Pokemon Diamond and Pearl Adventure! Manga....thats why its a little corney.

 

[Teapot]

Inspiration is fine - ripping off the idea utterly is not. The problem is not that it's corny, the problem is that we're all seen this before. You can have a perfectly good story that people like, even if it is dripping with cheese. Just look at a lot of anime/manga!

I honestly think you have a lot of potential, just so long as you bear in mind the things I said in my last post.

 

[Mystic_Suicune]

I'm working on making the next chapter better than the first, I really am taking your advice.