Hello again users. Its been a while, hasn't it? Years, or something like that since I've last talked to you. Maybe sooner than you realized, but we'll get into that shortly. I think I should just get my point across, and I apologize if it takes too long. I just ask that if you start reading, to finish.
Many of my not so distant relatives have always been interested in Pokémon, and in turn, got me interested in it. I looked up to them as big brothers I never had, and wanted to join in on what they were doing constantly, taking on their interests as my own. Looking back on those times, I'm sure it had tendencies to get quite annoying, but they were always kind and inclusive. As I got older, one of the two started to tell me stories. Miraculous adventures that he had made with random people online. I listened to all of them. I was captivated. Enthralled, even. But also, I was confused. He described events and characters in such detail that it seemed impossible to have those mental images without any actual images or references. That is what astonished me more than anything. From then on, I longed for that power. I longed for that ability.
In 2019, he introduced me to this site. (For privacies sake I will leave him unnamed and will not be tagging him, but he is a respected member.)
I will openly admit, when I started out, I was awful. I couldn't fathom how this site worked, or RP details, or the whole shabang in general. This is also coincidentally where I met some of this site's most talented writers, who I would share a journey with that would last a solid year.
The first ever RP that I joined was called "Pokémon Warcraft", led by Hecotoro. It was riddled with experienced minds and writers, and somehow I managed to sneak my way in. Out of the gate, I made so many mistakes. My mind was racing with ideas and scenarios that managed to act as a white noise machine to everyone else that was there. There are so many moments of that campaign that I still remember and physically cringe upon when I reflect on my past actions.
I apologize for those. Three years later, I apologize.
But I want to thank those people for their undying tolerance of me. It was a very unstable time in my life, a time where I questioned everything at face value that drove me down into a deeper hole. My characters turned into reflections of myself, who had features that I wanted to copy. Funny. Unflinching. Strong. Happy. Sudden changes in my actual mood led me to further accentuate those features in my characters. It was my way of coping. Every time I made a mistake you had an opportunity to throw me out. But you kept me aside. And on behalf of my former self, I thank you.
That is not all you did however.
I grew as a writer. I grew as a story builder. My writing became more complex, and I gained knowledge of situations that I hadn't before. But at my peak, I stopped. I became more busy. School started to take over. I started to look down on my former self, and wanted to hide from it. A series of mistakes that were marked on my record. People started to judge me. I felt it. I felt it all of the time. At school, I became more quiet. Secluded. The fear of judgment didn't stop there. It spread here.
Mistakes. Why can I only remember mistakes? Open chances for people to think less of me. Another hole I needed to dig myself out of. They saw my mistakes. They must think less of me. After all of this time trying to prove myself worthy, that I am as good as they are, all buried underneath a shattered picture frame with no photo inside.
I left. I left this site.
Later on during Covid, I realized that I had ADHD. I got medication. It help a lot. I realized then that my tendency to look over things was from something invisible to me. I felt relieved. I wanted to come back to this site. I thought I had matured enough. I was wrong.
The pain of my past had not disappeared. I knew that if I used this account, the judgement would still be here, lingering upon my tarnished name. Against the rules of Pokecharms, I made a second account.
Chiphead_
A chance to start over. To be free of judgement once and for all. Fake name. Fake backstory. Fake life. I reunited with my past friends here, but about 2-3 weeks in, I was faced with horrible guilt. It was wrong. This was not a way of coping. This was taking advantage of others, painting myself to be better than I actually was. I did this with my fictional characters. I had moved on to real people.
I stopped immediately. Left the site. Chiphead_ was to be banished forever. Yet another mistake on my record. One of my first posts there is eerily similar to how I feel now.
"My name is Chiphead because as humans, we all have chips or imperfections in our ways. I just choose to accept it as it is."
It was a lie then, but it is true now. Since then I have grown as a person. I have found myself. I know who I am. I accept my imperfections. I accept my past. I just wanted to thank those who helped me along this journey of reconciliation, even though you had no idea what you were doing. My narrative skills and creative thinking that was trained on this site got me into video making, which blossomed into becoming an editor for two YouTubers.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.
And to my mistake riddled past self, I embrace you with open arms.
(I hope you do not mind me tagging you guys in this)
@Hecotoro @RenzFlintrock @Cmeriwether @Mango137
I know that there are more of you, so if you want to, feel free to tag more people.
Many of my not so distant relatives have always been interested in Pokémon, and in turn, got me interested in it. I looked up to them as big brothers I never had, and wanted to join in on what they were doing constantly, taking on their interests as my own. Looking back on those times, I'm sure it had tendencies to get quite annoying, but they were always kind and inclusive. As I got older, one of the two started to tell me stories. Miraculous adventures that he had made with random people online. I listened to all of them. I was captivated. Enthralled, even. But also, I was confused. He described events and characters in such detail that it seemed impossible to have those mental images without any actual images or references. That is what astonished me more than anything. From then on, I longed for that power. I longed for that ability.
In 2019, he introduced me to this site. (For privacies sake I will leave him unnamed and will not be tagging him, but he is a respected member.)
I will openly admit, when I started out, I was awful. I couldn't fathom how this site worked, or RP details, or the whole shabang in general. This is also coincidentally where I met some of this site's most talented writers, who I would share a journey with that would last a solid year.
The first ever RP that I joined was called "Pokémon Warcraft", led by Hecotoro. It was riddled with experienced minds and writers, and somehow I managed to sneak my way in. Out of the gate, I made so many mistakes. My mind was racing with ideas and scenarios that managed to act as a white noise machine to everyone else that was there. There are so many moments of that campaign that I still remember and physically cringe upon when I reflect on my past actions.
I apologize for those. Three years later, I apologize.
But I want to thank those people for their undying tolerance of me. It was a very unstable time in my life, a time where I questioned everything at face value that drove me down into a deeper hole. My characters turned into reflections of myself, who had features that I wanted to copy. Funny. Unflinching. Strong. Happy. Sudden changes in my actual mood led me to further accentuate those features in my characters. It was my way of coping. Every time I made a mistake you had an opportunity to throw me out. But you kept me aside. And on behalf of my former self, I thank you.
That is not all you did however.
I grew as a writer. I grew as a story builder. My writing became more complex, and I gained knowledge of situations that I hadn't before. But at my peak, I stopped. I became more busy. School started to take over. I started to look down on my former self, and wanted to hide from it. A series of mistakes that were marked on my record. People started to judge me. I felt it. I felt it all of the time. At school, I became more quiet. Secluded. The fear of judgment didn't stop there. It spread here.
Mistakes. Why can I only remember mistakes? Open chances for people to think less of me. Another hole I needed to dig myself out of. They saw my mistakes. They must think less of me. After all of this time trying to prove myself worthy, that I am as good as they are, all buried underneath a shattered picture frame with no photo inside.
I left. I left this site.
Later on during Covid, I realized that I had ADHD. I got medication. It help a lot. I realized then that my tendency to look over things was from something invisible to me. I felt relieved. I wanted to come back to this site. I thought I had matured enough. I was wrong.
The pain of my past had not disappeared. I knew that if I used this account, the judgement would still be here, lingering upon my tarnished name. Against the rules of Pokecharms, I made a second account.
Chiphead_
A chance to start over. To be free of judgement once and for all. Fake name. Fake backstory. Fake life. I reunited with my past friends here, but about 2-3 weeks in, I was faced with horrible guilt. It was wrong. This was not a way of coping. This was taking advantage of others, painting myself to be better than I actually was. I did this with my fictional characters. I had moved on to real people.
I stopped immediately. Left the site. Chiphead_ was to be banished forever. Yet another mistake on my record. One of my first posts there is eerily similar to how I feel now.
"My name is Chiphead because as humans, we all have chips or imperfections in our ways. I just choose to accept it as it is."
It was a lie then, but it is true now. Since then I have grown as a person. I have found myself. I know who I am. I accept my imperfections. I accept my past. I just wanted to thank those who helped me along this journey of reconciliation, even though you had no idea what you were doing. My narrative skills and creative thinking that was trained on this site got me into video making, which blossomed into becoming an editor for two YouTubers.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.
And to my mistake riddled past self, I embrace you with open arms.
(I hope you do not mind me tagging you guys in this)
@Hecotoro @RenzFlintrock @Cmeriwether @Mango137
I know that there are more of you, so if you want to, feel free to tag more people.
