The Greatest Day Ever

[Typhlosion4ever]

Okay this is my first time making a Fanfic so here goes...

The Greatest Day Ever

PROLOGUE: Missy's Adventure Begins

Thirteen-year-old Missy Butterfield could hardly wait to leave. "Today I'm starting my adventure!" She said to her seventeen-year-old sister Tara, swinging her long red hair.

Tara sighed. "I remember when I went on my adventure. Such happy times. I had this Buneary that always followed me around, so cute, only a foot tall. And the place I went: Solaceon Town, Hearthome City, Mt. Coronet... Anyway, I'm happy for you, little sis. But remember, you can't leave until mom gets back."

Missy looked at her friend, Minty the Minun. "We're gonna go on an adventure, Minty. The others are coming, too." She smiled when she saw Minty smile. Missy remembered they day she first met Minty, how she saved her from being attacked by a Zigzagoon. Nowadays, the Minun was cheerful and more cautious, just like Missy herself. Suddenly a car honked outside. "There's mom! I've got to go. Bye Tara!" She brushed some crumbs off her blue shirt and white shorts and ran out the door.

When Missy got outside, she said to her mom, "Okay, mom, Minty and I are ready to go."

"Just one more thing, honey," her mom said. "I want to get a picture of what you look like now." She took a picture with  her cellphone, then said, "Be careful out there, Missy. It's a dangerous world, and you never know what might happen. Be sure to come home sometimes, too. I want to hear all about your adventure. ...Okay, I don't want to hold you up, so I'll let you go now. Bye honey!"

And so Missy and Minty set out on their adventure. It would be one full of happiness, friends, and new experiences for both of them.

...So what did you think?

 

[Tatile]

Well, if I may, you forgot to close part of your speech:

"We're gonna go on an adventure, Minty. And we can bring the others. She smiled when she saw Minty smile.

after And we can bring the others. you need the speech-marks. Aside from that, it's very brief. I personally feel it needs more detail, because at the moment it reads more like a hurried play script than a flowing prose based story. Also, surely, a mother seeing her younger (possibly youngest?) daughter off on an adventure would be more tearful? How about the older sister, what was her adventure like? Most people, when talking about themselves, tend to go on a bit before they catch themselves and get back to the subject at hand. Speaking of which, the above quote of speech would probably read better as a single sentance. Most sentances don't start with 'and' (unless you want to really go for the feel of informal speech, in which case most word processors will want to murder you).

There's definatly work needed to be done and I'm sure you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Before you ask, no, I'm not a literature or English teacher, I just write and think a lot. The semicolon is my best friend and he can be your's as well.

 

[Sem]

Uhm... Well... It's very... short. And there's... no description at all...

Alright, so what you want do here is just add in a WHOLE bunch of detail, make it more realistic. People have five senses, well so does your character. What is she seeing? Smelling? Hearing? What does she look like? What is she wearing, how does she feel?

Does her mom feel sad they she's leaving, how does the mom feel? How does Tara feel? What's Minty like?

Where are they? What city, what region? What time of year is it? What time of day is it? What's the weather like?

Don't just slap down words and call it a story, because it's just words. You need feeling in the words, they need life. They need to be able to portray the image in your mind in order for your audience to see what you want them too. Make sure to give your characters personalities to bring them to life, as if they were actual people.

Just flesh it out as much as you can. Long isn't bad.

 

[Typhlosion4ever]

Sigh... Okay. I should have known better than to try something I'm not good at. You're right. I should stick to comics. I worked hard on this, you know? :'(

 

[Sem]

Don't just give up though. You can't expect to be good at something the first time you try.

 

[Tatile]

Sigh... Okay. I should have known better than to try something I'm not good at. You're right. I should stick to comics. I worked hard on this, you know? :'(

Feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere, trust me.

Let's start off with the character description, what does Missy look like? If you can incorporate her looks into the work you have up there, it's a good base.

Try typing out the numbers, I think Yoshimitsu once said. So instead of having 13-year-old, go for thirteen year-old. For story structure it generally works better to word-numbers than digit-numbers. Go ahead and give the first sentance another shot, I'm sure you can do it. Let's take comics as an example: you have the panel to show the reader what's happening. With stories, you need to describe the panel.

 

[Typhlosion4ever]

Okay, I worked on it a bit more. Let's see how it turns out now.

 

[Tatile]

That's a lot better, now we can see the relationship between Missy and Minty, as well the type of household she comes from (I'm guessing fairly well off seeing as I have little recollection of the Ketchum (the benchmark for me) family owning a car). Now all you need to do is write the next bit, hehe.

 

[Typhlosion4ever]

Okay, here's the next bit. I thought I would start with Missy getting a starter, but she already has a Pokemon. That's okay, isn't it?

Chapter 1: The First Battle

Missy started her adventure by traveling to Oreburgh City, quite a far distance from her hometown. She walked through the grassy Routes, battling several other Trainers until she reached Jubilife City. She looked around at all the tall buildings. "Wow!" she exclaimed. "This is much different than what I'm used to. Let's go, Minty!"

"Min!" shouted Minty, and chased after Missy.

Missy was so distracted by all the beauty of Jubilife that she didn't see her best friend, Tom, when she ran into him.

"Missy!" shouted Tom. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, sorry Tom," said Missy. "I didn't see you."

Tom smiled. "That's okay." He had short brown hair and blue eyes. He was wearing a yellow shirt and black pants. Sometimes Missy called him "Bee Boy" because he dressed that way.

"Hey, Tom, wanna battle with the Pokemon we traded?" Missy asked, pulling out a Pokeball with a sticker in the shape of the letter R on it.

"Sure," Tom answered, pulling out a Great Ball. "Just don't cry when I beat you!"

Missy laughed. "You're on, Bee Boy!" Then she threw the Pokeball, shouting, "Riley, go!"

"Ri!" Riley exclaimed as he popped out of his Pokeball, looking like he was happy to get out for once. Riley was a Riolu that Tom had traded to her for a Starly, and this was Riley's first time to battle.

Tom threw his Pokeball as he shouted, "Starly, go!" and the battle began.

Riley easily dodged Starly's Peck, and with a couple hits of Force Palm and Quick Attack, Riley beat Starly.

Tom called his Starly back and said, "Not bad, Missy."

"Thanks," Missy replied. "I need to get my Pokemon stronger before I get to Orgeburgh."

"You're going to Oreburgh?" Tom asked. "I'm going to Oreburgh! To battle..."

"...The Gym Leader!" They said at the some time.

Tom laughed. "Well, I'd better get going. I'll see you when you get to Oreburgh." Then he left.

Missy picked up Riley and said, "Good job, Riley, you won your first battle!" She cuddled him for a while when she suddenly shouted, "Ouch! Riley! You need to learn to be careful with your claws."

"Ri?" Riley looked upset.

"It's okay, Riley," Missy said. "It's just a little scratch. I'll be okay, see?" Missy picked Riley up and he smiled. "Now let's get going."

Missy continued her walk to Oreburgh, even with a little Riolu scratch.

 

[Tatile]

I still think it's a bit brief, but considering this your first try you're doing well. Also, it's your story, if you don't want your main character to have one of the three starter Pokemon, don't. No one's going to force you (unless you are following some sort of framework for a competition). Keep going, you'll get better at it and find your rhythm when it comes to writing. I must say though, that it's a bit odd for Missy to bump into her best friend and then have him immediatly leave after the battle, but hey, perhaps you're just foreshadowing some dark intent (or not).

 

[Typhlosion4ever]

I must say though, that it's a bit odd for Missy to bump into her best friend and then have him immediatly leave after the battle, but hey, perhaps you're just foreshadowing some dark intent (or not).

Yeah, I worked on that part a bit more so it goes better now.

And here's the next bit. This one may be a bit short as I'm in a hurry...

Chapter 2: A Battle in Oreburgh

When Missy finally got to Oreburgh (It had been a long hard walk through Oreburgh Gate), much to her disappointment, it wasn't as bright and fancy as she had expected. "All that walking for this?" She asked.

"Min!" Minty cried, and ran toward the Gym.

"Wait up, girl!" Missy called after her as she ran to the Gym.

"Hey, Missy!" Tom said as she got to the Gym. "I already got my Badge. This guy Roark, he's really easy if you have a Water- or Grass-Type with you. You have one, right?"

"Yeah," Missy said as she pulled a Pokeball from her bag. "No problem."

"Then you should be able to take him," Tom answered. "I'll wait for you out here. Now go take on Roark!"

When Missy walked into the Gym, the first thing she noticed was, the floor was rocky! It would be tough to walk on, let alone battle on.

When the two finally made it to Roark, Minty was worn out. Minty hung back while Missy sent out Buddy, a Budew she had caught on her way to Oreburgh. Roark sent out a Geodude, an Onix, and a Cranidos.

Geodude and Onix were easy, but Buddy had trouble with Cranidos. But finally, she wore him down and won.

Tom was standing outside the Gym door when Missy came out, eager to see how she had done. "How'd you do? Did you win?"

Missy just showed him her Trainer Case.

"The Coal Badge! You won!" Tom cried.

Missy nodded. "That's right." Then she pulled her Town Map out of her Bag. "Let's see... Next we should go to Eterna City to get the... Forest Badge." She put her Town Map back.

"Alright," Tom cried. "To Eterna! To the Forest Badge! We're moving on!"

Missy, Tom, and Minty headed back to Jubilife. Little did they know they were in for trouble.

...Okay someone else needs to post so I can avoid double posting.