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The Jokes Thread (Don't get too dirty)

Freta

Freta

A squirrel and an owl are sitting in a tree watching a farmer walk by. The owl says nothing because owls don't talk... then he kills the squirrel because he's a bird of prey.

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic; it's destroying his life.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do Elephants have big feet?
To put out burning ducks.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was hit by the first koala.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It saw the first two and didn't want to be left out.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
He was hit by three koalas.
 
BlackRoseJack

BlackRoseJack

Formerly psy-teen
did you hear about the blonde ice hockey team?... they drowned when spring came.

why did the mouse cross the road?... it was the chickens day off.

why did may keep seeing things that werent there?... she was skitty-frentic.
 
Toastie

Toastie

A man walks into a bar. He sits down with a drink, but before he can drink it this guy swipes it and guzzles it down! The man starts to sob, and the guy feels sorry for him. He asks him what's wrong.

"My wife left me, I was fired, my parents died, my house burned down and I'm now on the run from the police. And, on top of all that, you drank my poison."
 
Louie Forest

Louie Forest

One day, a man and his dog were playing badminton. The dog was called Minton. Minton then ate the shuttle. The man said:
''Bad Minton!''

Yeah, it sucks.
 
Shocari

Shocari

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

The word "moist".

Taxes.

"Join the Dark Side, we have cookies!" *walks over* "Welcome to the Dark Side! Were you surprised we lied about the cookies?"

Dunsparce.

A man walks into Burger King, orders a Big Mac, and gets it.
 
DJ Luke

DJ Luke

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 
A

Anonymous

Why do you not take a shower with your Pokemon watching? .... Because they might Pikachu (Peek at you)
 
A

Atma

Formerly Karu
Ok, ok. A cursed classic. Every other joke around here (my city) is either vulgar, racist or abusive anyway >>;

It's terrible. I heard about a fight in the chippy last night, the peas got mushed and the fish got battered.
 
Shiny Motley

Shiny Motley

2016 Singles Football
A guy was trying to build a house, so he therefore calculated the exact number of bricks he needed, and the exact amount of everything else. He went to buy all the materials and then began building his house. In the end, he was left with a single leftover brick, and he tried as hard as he could to figure out where to place it. However, because he could find no way to use it, and he was absolutely sure he had bought the exact number of bricks needed, he got frustrated and did the only thing he could do with it.

He threw it up in the air.

***

A woman with a poodle and a man with a cigar in his mouth were going to board a plane. The woman turns to the man and says, "Could you please stop smoking? I can't stop coughing," to which the man replies, "Then could you get rid of your poodle? It's biting on my arm." They agree to get rid of whatever was annoying the other person out the window; the woman then threw her poodle out the window, and the man did the same with his cigar. They then boarded the plane, and landed thirty minutes later at their destination. When they got out, they saw the poodle. And guess what was in its mouth?

The brick!
 
Amzaar_Gyarou

Amzaar_Gyarou

A Koala was getting high in a tree, when along comes a gecko and decided he would get high too.
After a while of smoking joints, the gecko's throat got dry so he decided to go to the lake for a drink. But it turned out, he was so high he fell in!

An alligator came along and after spotting the gecko in the water, asked him what was wrong.
"I've just been getting high with that koala in the tree." the gecko replied.

Out of curiosity, the alligator went and stood under the tree the koala was in, but as soon as the koala saw him he yelled, "Crap man, how much did you drink?!"

It's a bit lame sorry... ^^;
 
Doubled

Doubled

Well, this was a joke my dad's dad told him, whose grandpa told his dad. This is a family classic.

A rabbit, a turtle, and a buzzard wanted to start a farm, so they bought a whole bunch of land. However, the land wasn't fertile, so Rabbit decided to go up north to get some fertilizer. The rabbit was gone for about 3 months, when he finally returned to see a mansion standing on the plot of land he, turtle, and buzzard set aside. Rabbit went up to the door and knocked on it, afterwhich a butler answered it.

"May I help you sir?" asked the butler.

"Um, yes. I was wondrin', were's Turtle and Buzzard?" asked the curious rabbit. The butler then responded.

"Mr. BuzZARD (extra emphasis) is out in the yard, and Mr. TurTLE (Pronounced Tur tell) is out in the well." after the rabbit heard him, he looked at the fertilizer, then looked back at the butler. He grinned and said calmly,

"Well then, tell Mr. "BuzZARD out in the Yard" and Mr. "TurTLE out in the Well" that Mr. RabBIT, is here with the shi-"

Well, you get the point ^^; Oddly enough I know a lot of dirty jokes. But I guess I can say a few I know.

Three guys walk into a bar, the 4th guy dies. 8l

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Oprah: Why don't we give him a brand new car to do it!?

Dr. Phil: Well, I think he needs to understand his problem on this side of the road before he crosses to the other side.

Ty (Extreme Makeover Home Edition): WHy don't we make him a brand new road to cross!?! Move that BUS!!!!!

No. He just wanted to get to the other side -_-
 
Amzaar_Gyarou

Amzaar_Gyarou

Two blondes and a brunette are hanging off of the edge of a cliff.
The brunette jumps up into the air, does three somersaults and lands on her feet on a cliff ledge.
The blondes clapped.

:>
 
Freta

Freta

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

I went to the store to buy a candle holder but they were out, so I got a cake.
 
Blazi

Blazi

Three Blondes were walking through the woods, and they came across a set of tracks. One of the says, "It's Bear tracks."
The second one says, "No, It's Deer track!"
And the Third one Says, "No, It HAS to be fox tracks."
And then the train hit them.

Derp :>
 
Shocari

Shocari

This is totally from George Lopez, just saying.

Angie: Hey, Benny. How are you holding up?

Benny: It's called a bra. You wouldn't know about that, princess.
 
A

Anonymous

(by the way this joke does not insult religion ,it insults baseball)
So Jesus and Satan meet up at the Dept.Store and Satan says "hey Jesus ,you wanna have a little game of baseball?" then Jesus says "Why ,I got all the best players.Babe Ruth ,Jackie Robinson ,you name 'em" so Satan says "Yeah ,you got all the players and I got all the umpires."

An old lady and an old man are in church and the old lady says "Hey honey ,I think I just made a silent fart ,what do I do?".The old man says "You should turn your hearing aid!"
 
Animefan1

Animefan1

There were once 3 men that died and went to heaven .
Once they were there , they met Jesus and He asked each man a single question .
"Were you always honest to your wife during your life ?"
The first man said "no I cheated 2 times"
So Jesus heard this and gave the first man a minivan .
The second man replied "no because I had an affair with one woman"
So Jesus heard this and gave the second man a medium sized SUV .
When Jesus came to ask the third man , he replied with "Lord I have always been faithful to my wife"
So Jesus heard this and gave the third man a nice and expensive-looking sports car .

Many days later , the first man and the second man came to a stoplight and the third man was also there , but crying .
They asked him "Why do you cry ? You should be happy for you have everything you've ever wanted"
The third man replied "Its not that . I just passed my wife and she was on a skateboard"
 
BurnKirby

BurnKirby

1) One day, a brontosaurus climbed over a mountain. When he came into the valley beyond the mountain, he met another brontosaurus. The two brontosauruses then climbed over another mountain. After climbing the mountain and coming into another valley, they met a third brontosaurus. The three brontosauruses climbed another mountain, came into yet another valley, and met a fourth brontosaurus. You know what the fourth brontosaurus said?

Nothing! Brontosauruses don't talk!

2) Joe: I bet I can make you say orange.
Mary: How?
Joe: What are the colors of the American flag?
Mary: Red, white, and blue.
Joe: Ha! I made you say blue!
Mary: But I thought you wanted me to say orange.
Joe: I made you say orange!
Mary: Darn it!

3) A sailor and his wife had two children. For some reason, one child would always face towards land while the other would always face toward the sea. For this reason, the sailor and his wife decided to name their children Toward and Away.

One day, the sailor decided to take his children out to sea to go fishing.

*****

Three months passed before the sailor's wife finally saw her husband return. However, the children were missing! "What happen to the children?" the wife asked.

"Well. . ." the sailor began, "We were out fishing when suddenly, Toward got a bite on his line. He managed to real in the monsterous fish, but then it ate him whole!"

"That's horrible!" gasped the sailor's wife.

"If you think that's terrifying," replied the sailor, "you should've seen the one that got Away!"
 
8

888Warrior888

I have two jokes:

Once there was a women. She had an ear on top of her forehead, right?
Okay, and one day her son brought home a terrible report card and showed it to her. The woman became very angry and shook her head.
Then she began her hand on the ear on her forehead and said: "I don't want to hear it!"

I have another joke.

What do you get when you cross a broom with meat?
SweepSTEAKS!

Lolloloolololol /shot
 
jertyuiop

jertyuiop

(this one is made up by me, so brace yourself!)

A singing pony walks into a bar. The pony sings a song and then asks some of the others at the bar what they thought of the song. All of the people liked the song, except for one, though. He said "Well, the song was okay, but... it was just a little ho(a)rse."
 
Phanes

Phanes

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!
 
A

Anonymous

In Pokemon Yellow ,what did Gary do in his spare time?
He Eevee-trained(EV train)

How many poeple does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but he had to get a ladder.
 
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