On the 15th of this month, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We were told that there is no curable treatment; merely ways to attempt prolonging her life and giving her a better quality as such. We had returned to the hospital earlier today only to be told that her life span may be for a few more months or years. However, it won't be for long. My thoughts have been filled with the situation and I've been doing my best to try and prove to my mother that I'm going to be okay; but I'm not.
There has been one person that I've stuck to opening up to about this, but family have been avoiding me. My friends are too busy for me and this person is on the other side of the globe. It's not that I do not appreciate him being there, but rather that I wish someone would just swing by to see me and take me out of the house for a few hours. Distract me from the reality of a dying mother and my own severe depression that has already been there since my early childhood.
I feel so isolated, alone and selfish for wanting to be comforted when I'm not the person going through such a horribly frightening disease. I'm not the only person who needs to be comforted; my whole family is devastated and struggling to find their own ways of coping. I have no right to complain, but it still hurts. I've been saying less and less to others because what can they really do? What can they say? I can't imagine them being able to do anything for me or knowing how to approach it even if they had a rough idea running through their heads.
My mothers doctor was concerned about me. He phoned from the NHS health centre the second he learned of my mothers situation. He's been her doctor since she was young. I saw him in the past about my depression and when he phoned, he asked her how she was. He got the details on what she was on and where she was going to go from here. Then he asked about me. My mother knows that I'm not okay; that I'm in a dark place. I don't know what to do. I'm really trying - I'm doing my best to lessen her worries and stress, but I'm failing.
I've been considering going back into therapy. I don't know what it can do or change for me, but I'm at a complete loss as to what more I could be doing. Maybe if I go back, mother will think that I'm improving again... We'll see.
Wow, this sucks to hear, man.
I've been in a situation close to yours, actually, just that I didn't have to deal with the loss of a family member.
I've had times when my depression hit me like a rocket train, and I also felt like I needed someone to comfort me, but I never did find anyone. I couldn't go to a therapist, mostly because I'm not the most financially aided, so I had to deal with my depression all on my own.
I know how it feels. You feel alone with your thoughts, you think no one else feels like they're going to care about what you're having to go through, and you really want someone to be there for you. Someone who actually does care for you. What you are feeling isn't selfish. I think we all deserve to find someone who can make you happy.
How I got over those feelings at the time?
.....
I don't know.
That's probably the answer you didn't want to hear, but it's the truth. I seriously don't know how I got over it. It may be because I'm too much of a coward, and wouldn't want to commit, or because I care about the people around me way too much, even if they don't care about me. I've had so many thoughts to myself, that I lost track.
Have I been going through my depression unhealthily? Most likely. But I went through with life like nothong ever happened, but that wasn't all....I also lost the will to feel emotions.
For the longest time, I didn't care. Sure, on the outside I was happy and go-lucky, but that was me trying my hardest to not lose the sight of how to feel. But....it didn't work.
Until, one day, someone in my church died. She was a really nice lady, who supported my singing and one of her compliments made me want to improve. I knew her basically my whole life. I thought she was very important to me. I stopped being religous prior to her death, but I was forced to go to church anyways. She was also diagnosed with cancer, but....something inside me told me it will be alright. I have no idea why, but I believed it. But then, on the day of her funeral, when I thought I should feel something....I didn't feel anything at all. What the hell was wrong with me!? Why didn't I even shed a single fucking tear!? I couldn't feel sad! It was impossible! Even the woman's daughter, who was crying in agony, didn't make me feel sad!
After the funeral, I started questioning things even more. I kept asking myself. "Why? Why!? WHY!?" But that only made my depression worse. If I couldn't feel anything, then what was the point! I should just end it all! If I didn't have the decency to cry for someone I cared about, then why should I care anymore!
That was, until, I met my girlfriend. Yeah, cheesey as fuck am I right? But it's the truth.
We were dating for quite a while at that time, but I didn't have any romantic feelings towards her. It literally just felt like she was another friend, but then....we started spending more time together. I got to meet her parents, we went on multiple dates, and...I felt happy for the first time in such a long time. I started to feel like I actually mattered. I had feelings again.
Thinking about the death of the woman, it wasn't just me being lost, I found emotion again and cried for the first time in
years. And that isn't an exaggeration.
I learned that we can all find someone out there. Mine just happened to be a romantic interest, but yours can be anyone.
It truly is sad to hear your mother is passing, but you need to know that you can find comfort anywhere, you just need to find that comfort.
Also, I'm here for you if you need it. And just send me a PM of you want to chat more. Whether it's positive or negative, I can be there for you.
